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While You are Away…/3

Your Royal Loveliness,
I find myself in deep crisis as to whether I should write to you or not. You see I am not sure this letter will get to you and if it does I am not sure it is relevant at all. I don’t know if you are happy to hear from me and I on the other hand am very careful not to disturb your peace. But tonight a heavy burden sits in my heart; a huge stubborn lump blocks my throat. I realize just how much I need to talk to you at the very least, for one last time.
It has been a while now since you have been away again and this time it seems you will be away for good if not for longer. You said you need to be away to do some navigation, to find happiness, to have fun. I know how hard the last few months have been for you, how strained we have been to a point where you have no more fight left in you and the best is for you is to step out. If it makes you happier to be away then wherever you go I wish you well, I wish you JOY and happiness and all the nice and beautiful things you deserve. You deserve the best and nothing less and since I have been unable to give you that then I am obliged to set you free.

But for me this is a terrible thing. There is no telling how miserable I am without you. It is so cold on your side of our bed. I have done enough tossing and turning and all I find is so plain, so cold, so empty! The idea of waking up tomorrow morning and you are not in my arms makes it so difficult to fall sleep tonight but as it appears that’s a situation I am fated to deal with. Or may it is just not God’s will for us to be together, you just never know!

A while ago I put KARAMBU to sleep after helping GATWIRI and NKIROTE with their homework. It makes me happy to see those two blossoming into young teenage women right before my eyes. They are all so adorable, so beautiful; perhaps God’s greatest gift to my life. I love my daughters and I enjoy serving them as a father, providing for them the necessary ingredients for life and training them to fear God and respect themselves and other people. I must say they have been great company while you have been away. I have had so much fun going out with them, playing and singing with them. We read the bible and pray together before we go to be bed. I have promised myself that I will do the best I can to make sure they all grow to be women of faith.

Our three beautiful girls are the epitome of who we both are. Each one of them has a little bit of you and a little bit of me in them like breadcrumbs in a fairytale sprinkled lavishly in each of their character traits, I know you know that that so I won’t spend much of your time telling you about it.
It will interest you to know that they are doing well with school. KARAMBU is excelling in her drawing and handwriting classes (You should see her latest drawing of our family portrait). Her reading skills have also improved a great deal as well as her spelling. GATWIRI has continued to post stellar results in her studies. She does very well scoring A-stars in sciences and languages (she wants to be a pediatrician) but I also encourage her to make more effort in arts as well so she can have a good balance in her final exams. NKIROTE is above average and although her results are not as good as the others, I am proud of what she achieves in her academics.

NKIROTE surprised me the other day when she told me she wants to be a supermodel. I must admit, I have never quite liked modeling as I have often viewed it as the perfect objectification of women. May be that’s because I have never really taken the time to look at it as a profession and to see that a lot of world renown women have made a exemplary career out of it (I guess that makes me utterly ignorant). I wish my daughter chose a career in Law, Engineering, Business Administration or Medicine but as a father I realize I have an obligation to guide and support her choices and help her chart her own path in life and always show her that I respect her choices and decisions.

It reminds me of a lady I once sat next to on a flight to St. Martins and got into an interesting conversation with. I asked what she does for a living and she told me she was a professional prostitute and was on her way at that time to meet a very distinguished client in St. Martins. But why would she settle for prostitution as a career? As a child she had dreamt of becoming a lawyer one day,but her father never believed she had what it takes to be a lawyer and as such advised her to try being a teacher instead. So in rebellion she decided to settle on prostituting herself. Was she not worried about contracting a deadly disease? She told me that a pilot might very likely die in a plane crash one day, a taxi driver in a road accident and a soldier on a war front or a machine operator have his hand chopped off by his machine and bleed to death etc.
That conversation was a turning point for me. I learnt from it the importance of letting our children choose what they want to do with their lives and making sure that we are there to guide them and to ensure they draw the best from whatever it is they choose to be or to do. I would never wish to get this kind of rebellion from my daughter and as such I will not control her. I will lead her, guide her, provide for her, support her and most importantly guard what my mouth declares over their lives and always pray that the decisions they make will make them happy.

I know this is one area where I have failed you terribly. In my selfishness I have tried to control you, to mold you into my idea of the perfect housewife and to make sure that your love for me fits within the boundaries of my definition of love. While I have given you all my love, I cannot claim genuinely that I have given it selflessly and without expecting anything in return, I have wanted you to meet my own expectations to fit within the boundaries of my own perception of how one should love. And I was so preoccupied by my own needs that I forgot what my actions were doing to you. I strained you and caused you pain and for days on end you remained patient that I mistook your patience for weakness.

Honey I am sorry. I know that is not enough to repair the damage and that it might be a little too late for that but I will say it anyway and hope that you can accept my apology at the very least. I am sorry for the fights I started unnecessarily,I sorry for the times I have been rude to you, I am sorry I wasn’t so kind on your friends, I am sorry for being selfish and condescending. I am sorry I have taken you for granted. I won’t ask you for a second chance because I know you have given me one too many, but I do hope sincerely that your heart can find even one reason to forgive.

Its getting late and my candle is almost burning out, so I need to stop writing but not before I thank you for the time you have given to me and for the love that you have shared with me, you have been the very light that has brighten my path illuminating the darkest parts that I have been through. You have given me a reason to smile and you have made me complete. I am grateful to you now and for all times.

With all my LOVE,
Timberlake

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